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Confused And Feeling Guilty: Am I Responsible For My Husband’s Death?

Good evening ma,

I work in the same company with someone who introduced me to your whatsapp group. Though I have not been commenting,I read all the posts everyday. ma,please I need your help and your counsel. I know what I have done is really a heavy sin but I have been asking God for forgiveness. I just want to seek your advice because I dont want to die without telling anyone the truth.Please dont judge me. If you want to post on the group,its fine,I know you will not use my real name.

I am 31 years old. I was abused as a child by my brothers’ friend. I got exposed to s*x quite early. My parents were not always around,so it was me and my four siblings. We did alot of things children should not be exposed to. When I was 17,my landlord started to sleep with me. He would give me money and anything I wanted. I was his girlfriend for almost 3 years. My upbringing was rough ma. I thought having s*x with anyone is just a way of life once you just have the urge to do it. I also realized that it gave me what I wanted as a woman. I used it to pass most of my exams in my HND.

When I started working,I had a boyfriend but he was not the only one I was sleeping with. I was just not used to the idea of only one sxual partner. That would not be enough for me. Two years ago,I met my husband. He was a business man who shuttles between Nigeria and China and Turkey. He was into importation. My relationship with him was fine. He never suspected I was seeing other people cos he was always travelling. And to be honest,I am not a bad person,I just am a little addicted to sx. I treated him very well. Its just that the times he was not around,I was with another man. I knew how to disguise my business well.Last year,October,my husband proposed to me. We got married in November.

After our wedding,my husband traveled but came back again in December for Christmas. He traveled just before new year.

After our wedding,my husband traveled but came back again in December for Christmas. He traveled just before new year. I found out I was pregnant in January. I knew this pregnancy was not my husband’s own. It was for one of my bosses that I was sleeping with at work. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I decided to have an abortion.

But something very strange happened,the day I went to the hospital for the abortion,I met our pastor’s wife in the hospital. She came for ante natal. she greeted me warmly and was telling me one day I would be like her and have my own babies. It was like God was talking to me. I just turned back and didn’t have the abortion again. I was thinking what if I do this abortion and never have a child again. So I made up my mind and told my husband I was pregnant.

When I told him over the phone,he took the next flight and came home. He was so happy. I couldn’t believe how the thought of him being a dad made him so happy. I thought I made the right choice. No one needs to know the true identity of the father of this child. As far as its concerned,my husband is the father.

But ma,my joy was short lived. My husband died in March this year. He died in Turkey. He was not sick. He was not injured. He just slumped and died. My life has not been the same since. I have been mourning. I have been crying. I also feel so guilty.

I feel so bad. I feel like I am responsible for his death. My people have a superstition that if a married woman is cheating on the husband and lies about it,the man will not live long. I dont know if that is true but with what happened to my husband,my mind has been troubling me. His family thinks this child I am carrying is their grand son.

Should I continue to keep quiet and make them believe so? I am not a bad person,I just have made so many bad choices in life.

I have been asking God to forgive me. I want to confess my sin but I am so scared of the consequences. What will people say? My husband’s people will kill me. They will even take away all his property once they know this child is not for their son.

Ma,should I continue to keep quiet since I have confessed to God and I have begged for forgiveness? What should I do? I have not been in peace ever since. Please help me.

Ososa (Not real name)
From Benin

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